5.19.05

I received this forward and decided to post. I cut out several that I didn't think were that funny. Enjoy!

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety
lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples
that have been heard or reported:

On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want
passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant
announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and
get in it!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight
attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the
overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything
has shifted."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the
ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a
small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If
you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies
and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have
brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire
smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you
can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable
cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies
and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293,
nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore,
we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY
GOD!" Silence followed,and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier.
While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of
hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in back
yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"